Visceral ReActions: A Candid Confession

This was not the post I had in mind for today, but I came across the below pic on Tumblr this morning and this post is the result. I think it has been a long time in coming, this photo simply acted as a catalyst. I’m quite candid, so be forewarned.

In the past I’ve shied away from really, truly discussing the visceral reaction I have to Richard Armitage. Largely, because I feared the backlash that others have faced. But here is the thing: my reactions are a fundamental part of who I am as a fangirl. It is part of what spurs me on to make graphics, fanvids, write fanfic and continue with this blog. So for this post at least, I’m an open book.

I love what Servetus says about how the distinction between Richard’s looks and his talent is a false dichotomy. (Sorry Serv, I can’t remember which posts you’ve mentioned that in to link back.) His talent is what keeps me watching. I long to see what he’s going to do with each new character. However, it was his looks and the way his presence filled the screen that initially drew me in. I feel certain that with the absence of either of these aspects, Armitagemania would have never existed for me in the first place or if it did, the duration would have been greatly reduced.

No matter how much I appreciate his talent, I can’t avoid the fact that my reactions to images like the one above have very little, if anything to do with him as an actor. I look at that image and see a desirable man. A man that looks like he could be a regular bloke you’d pass walking through the airport. One who could easily be seated next to you at the gate as you wait for boarding. Gazing at that picture I can’t help the unbidden thoughts of how much I’d love to feel that beard reddening my skin as it abrades my flesh. How I want to run my fingers through the smattering of chest hair poking out of his neckline. I can almost envision that first glimpse of his eyes as I reach up and remove those sunglasses. Aren’t you glad this isn’t a full body shot?

How about the tongue of concentration. It frequently shows up when fans participate in the 30 day challenge. Many find it cute, endearing even. I’ve gone on record agreeing with those sentiments. However, to leave it there is dishonest.  My primary reaction is not, “Ahhh, that’s sweet.” Rather, it is a tightening low in my belly as the lascivious thoughts take hold once more. “What kind of magic could he weave with that tongue?” I wonder.

Then there are the bound characters. These scenes and screencaps are so compelling and not just because of the original story line. While I know I should be concerned about the characters well being in these moments, more often than not my mind is back in the gutter. Take for instance John Porter on that cross in the first season of Strike Back. He’s in the desert, shirt removed, sweating from the intense heat, dehydration is a concern, burned flesh a likelihood, not to mention that he’s the prisoner of a terrorist. Am I thinking about the scenario as it plays out in the show. Not a chance. I’m fixated on his glistening torso, and the way his belt frames his hips. I’m fantasizing about licking the sweat from those glorious abs. The pleasure I could give him while he’s restrained and completely at my mercy.

I don’t know what to make of all of this some times. Having been raised in a devout religious family, these kinds of thoughts have always been discouraged. You aren’t supposed to think them and you certainly don’t give voice to them. Each day on this journey feels like a chain in the link of my life long restraints is loosened. I’m starting to see that all of this isn’t really about him. He’s a catalyst, just like the picture. A doorway to the whole me, the one who doesn’t have to hide parts of herself to please others.

Reading back through this, I have a clearer idea of why I enjoy reading the fantasies of others.  They provide evidence that I’m not alone, a misfit. And sometimes I need that confirmation.

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52 thoughts on “Visceral ReActions: A Candid Confession

  1. servetus

    Devout family / past and identity — I don’t know how to reconcile these things either (as is probably obvious from the blog), but what you say here is exactly how I feel. There’s a sense in which I look at him and it’s okay, it’s finally acceptable, to admit what all those pieces are, to let all the pieces fit together. Like he’ll take me there eventually, if I keep watching, somewhere in the direction of integration, and most importantly, it won’t hurt. Like he’ll support me all the way.

    I don’t know absolutely, but I can make a reasonable guess, I suspect, about what it might have taken not just to post this, but to write it in the first place. Thanks for your bravery.

    [teary]

    • Serv, I think I have been so drawn to your blog from the beginning because of the fact that you grapple with these same issues. In some ways it is like looking in a mirror that lets me see myself more clearly.

      I would like to think that when I come out on the other side of this I’ll be a better person, that somehow I’ll be more honest, more complete in my real life. I don’t want to be a bunch of individual boxes held together by skin. I’d rather be whole, even if the process of getting there may be hard at times. Being open with this post is just a step down the path towards integration I guess.

      • servetus

        I don’t know, either, what will come down the road. There’s a saying by someone (Tocqueville, maybe?) that the most important truths are those we come back to repeatedly — and I know that honesty is something that’s important both in my past and on this journey.

      • Wow. Just, wow. I’m also wrestling with this personal dichotomy. I’ve drawn lines for myself, keeping up a conversation with God throughout, but I also find myself wondering why I have this strength of a reaction to him. Sure, I’ve been interested in other actors before, but there’s something qualitatively different for me about this one. Everything you said really nails it. Thanks for having the courage to say it out loud and to associate yourself with the words in public.

        My favorite line from your “It’s been a year!” post is “…his work makes me happy.” That just about sums it all up. Ultimately, it isn’t about him at all, you’re right. It’s about facing myself and looking at God and saying, “What do you want me to do with this? How do you want me to respond?” Because it’s true: the response is real. If I deny it, I’m lying to myself.

        I know that I will come out the other side of this, as you say, and I do wonder how I’ll be changed by it. I expect I’ll have learned some important stuff and I’ll be all the more human and the better for it. If anything, it’s teaching me humility: it’s awfully hard to judge others’ choices in life when you can see that you’re already walking in their shoes without even realizing it. What was it Jesus said, about “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) I switch the genders and yep, that’s me. I’m glad that I haven’t hidden this from my husband, but boy, the conversation where I had to admit it to him was hard. He took it magnificently well, but it wasn’t easy for me to tell him, to say the words out loud and admit their reality to myself as well. It was a particular shock to me (of course happening as I was driving alone to church on Sunday morning, preparing to lead worship for the congregation) as I’m just being assaulted with mental images and RPF-style fantasies and the horrifying thought that I’d be free to indulge if my wonderful, beautiful, loving, REAL-LIFE husband were dead. That depth of reaction had never happened to me with any other actor before. Ach, I was nearly paralyzed with horror at the fact that I’d not only had these thoughts but had had them repeatedly that morning, despite my attempts to resist them.

        I was pleading with God for sanity during that drive, and you know what He did? I led worship, as usual, up there on the stage with the piano and the microphone and the band and the whole lot worshipping God, following me (hah!) as I tried to worship God in spirit and in truth, feeling like a wretched worm the whole time. The thing was, He wasn’t condemning me: I was doing that to myself. He was just calling me to look at His face and obey Him and keep singing and playing, being faithful amidst the self-recrimination. Because it’s about Him, after all. But I didn’t feel much of anything: I didn’t feel transported in worship, I didn’t feel like I was being sincere (although I desperately wanted to be!), I didn’t feel like the Spirit was moving me to any great heights, or that I was doing anything other than dragging myself through the motions. And here’s where God came through in a big way, demonstrating (yet again, as always) that it’s Him, and only Him, doing the work: I stepped off that stage and slunk down into my seat as the pastor started his sermon, and he begins by gushing about how great the worship was, how much he felt the Spirit moving and everybody around me is murmuring their agreement and thanking me, of all people (hah!), for the experience. After the service, people came up and told me how much they felt like God touched them.

        And all the while, He’s driving home the point to me: it’s Him doing it, through this mere earthen vessel. His glory is shining out through my cracks (or, as it’s been better said, “His strength is made perfect in my weakness.” 🙂

        That’s not to say that He’s giving me carte blanche to indulge my fantasies–quite the opposite, in fact–but that I don’t have to feel defeated by them when they do come. I can acknowledge my humanity, my desperate need for His grace (it’s always good to have a stark reminder that I’m not holy in and of myself!), and embrace Him and all the beautiful things that He’s made. When I see RA’s face or body and think wow!, my next thought can be (instead of focusing on RA himself, who after all is just as human and as limited as all the rest of us and can’t bear up under the weight of our collective worship–it’s too much for any person to be forced to handle and it’s no wonder that so many celebrities seem to be destroyed by the attention), “Thank You, God, for designing such a beautiful creature. You did a fantastic job! Please bless him, draw him and his loved ones close to Yourself, and help him to keep running the race, doing the job that You’ve given him.”

        For me, this response doesn’t flee from acknowledging that I have an intense response to the man, but it redirects my adoration to the only One who’s really worthy of it, who can forever bear up under it without ever one day disappointing me. It relieves me of the pressure to repress the truth about myself and frees me to enjoy RA’s work and skill and yes, physical attractiveness…but as with every other aspect of life, I am not walking through it alone, and I can always always turn to God and say, “What do You think of this? What are You doing here? Why do I feel this way and how do You want me to respond to it?” Someday, maybe, He might tell me to “cut of my hand” (Matthew 18:8-9), so to speak. He hasn’t yet, though, so I need to keep my ears open and my eyes on His face (even as my eyes are on his) and keep walking forward.

        It also makes me wonder why I have this reaction in the first place. I’m a creature that He made too, after all. So what is it that I’m really responding to when I see RA? I take great joy in the hope that whatever attracts me to him, whatever attracts me to anyone, is something that God has hardwired into me because it’s a quality that He possesses Himself. I look forward to the day when I see Him face-to-face and I recognize in Him every desirable thing, every aspect of beauty, every moment of attraction that has ever uncoiled itself within me. He will exceed even His most beautiful creatures in beauty, and I won’t feel the slightest need to repress or redirect my attraction to Him. The relief that fills my soul at the thought, the joyful anticipation, the idea that I’ll be somehow a part of being the Bride of Christ–there won’t be sex, because the pleasure of sex is a mere shadow compared to the bright light of whatever pleasure our communion with Him will be!–but every feeling, every thought, every stirring of life within me, evoked in whatever tiny way by watching RA work, will be fulfilled in Christ. Oh! I can’t wait! I get excited at the mere faintest glimmer of a thought.

        Oh yes, I’m still human. I still see the man tied up onscreen and can’t hide from my intense reaction to the sight of him, make no mistake. My body responds. But I move on from there and keep going, keep looking at the beautiful One with me, and I’m not afraid anymore. 🙂

  2. servetus

    Reblogged this on Me + Richard Armitage and commented:
    This.

  3. He’s one magnificent example of masculine beauty and desirability. He simply—is. I think it’s perfectly natural the way our mental/biological wiring works to find him so. It amazes me that there are red-blooded females who are not comatose that don’t!
    I have some of the same issues with my background–the good girl from the conservative Christian home. Bravo for sharing your thoughts, Jas. Many of us feel the same, I am sure.

    • Oh, and yes–I definitely see him as a catalyst in my own life, to help me learn more about myself and who I really am, to feel more free to express myself in a variety of ways. The Armitage effect on me. 😀

    • Desirable is something of an understatement, don’t you think? 😉

      I think my body agrees with you about the natural part. It is the issue of reconciling the Calvinistic beliefs I’ve held for so long…the inherent depravity of humanity…that makes calling it natural, unnatural for me. When you’ve been raised to believe that such thoughts are wrong, it is a long process to even determine whether or not you want to throw off those long held assumptions. Saying them allowed, or in this case, putting them out into the world via the internet feels incredibly freeing.

      • servetus

        the depravity issue is a fundamental stumbling block for me wherever i go.

  4. Honey, you are a woman, he’s a beautiful specimen of a man, and lovely to boot! It’s natural, it’s primal and there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way! He’s what encourages us to experience new things, learn, experiment. I think we’re very lucky to have him as our muse 🙂

    • We’re absolutely lucky to have him as our muse. There are so many things I’ve learned since becoming a fan. I probably still wouldn’t even know what an animated gif is, let alone how to make one, were it not for RA.

      As I said to Fedoralady above, the natural, primal issue is something I’m still coming to grips with. Do I feel these things, absolutely. But I’m learning to let myself do so without feeling guilty.

  5. Leigh

    Although I don’t have the conservative/religious background to fight, I have had decades of “It’s not logical to feel that way about an actor.” Well, as a certain Vulcan pnce said, “Logic is the beginning of wisdom.” It certainly isn’t the end. I am now at peace with the desires this man rouses in me. I know my fantasies and my fanfic are “fantasies of self”, but I am okay with that. I could do a lot worse. Richard and his chaRActers also spur my creativity in a way no one else ever has, and for that, I am immeasurably grateful. I think he might be okay with that.

    • Leigh, our journeys are all at least slightly different, but in the end they all seem to be about self discovery and growing as people. I’m so pleased that you are at peace with your desires and that he’s inspired you and spurred on your creativity. I’m so grateful for that aspect of being a fan not only in my own life, but when I see the amazing talents of my fellow fans.

  6. Snicker's Mom

    Yes, he’s hot! If you like reading fantasies maybe you should try writing them down, that might help you come to terms with how you feel.

  7. Beachbaby

    Oh Jas, you are certainly not alone! These are my thoughts but so eloquently penned here. The things I have wanted done with that beard – and no I’m not blushing. Out & proud!

    • Thanks for the reassurance, BB! It is always nice to know when you’re in good company. That beard…you may not be blushing, but I am. 😉

  8. Mmm, opens confessions of lust. We’ve come a long way since my perving post and Callie’s discussion of Between the Sheets. I’ve always found the idea that we can’t say these things aloud faintly amusing and really hypocritical in today’s society. I applaud you for being honest and straightforward.

    • Being from the background that I’m from, I feel like in some ways I’m uniquely qualified to understand why some people don’t think these things or try and tamp down such thoughts. I also can see why they are so vehemently opposed to others speaking openly about their sexual attraction and desire. When you’ve been taught that to feel and to think thoughts like this are wrong…you don’t stop with just yourself. You want to apply the same moral standard to everyone else, because those morals are ingrained into you as absolute truth. It can be hard to reconcile that other’s see the world differently, especially when you’ve lived a somewhat sheltered life. So, I don’t think hypocritical is necessarily the correct word. Because I don’t think all or even most are being hypocritical.

      I will say, that even coming from a background with a similar viewpoint or maybe even because of that, my hackles rise when I see people trying to force their worldview onto other people. Yes, express your opinion, but don’t brow beat people with it in an attempt to force them to conform to your way of thinking. It won’t work.

      • servetus

        one of the defining features of truth is that it’s supposed to be universal / eternal. I’m having to work hard to get away from that. It’s a useful tool but it’s not the whole story, I think.

  9. Joanna

    Oh, I feel the same but please don’t tell anybody, Jasrangoon!. He offered too much, great body and beautiful mind, it’s the reason that I can not muster the will to behave properly.;)

  10. servetus

    I don’t think it’s hypocritical not to say how you’re feeling / reaction (or even to criticize others for doing so) if you’re sincerely convinced that there’s a moral / ethical problem around doing so, which many people are. (I think the moral / ethical problem of “do I let myself do this?” differs strongly from the political question of “should people in general be allowed to do this?”) Most people would agree that not all desires are equal, or even good. (We can all think of some desires we’d rather not see expressed in public or even felt in private.) In a situation like that, it’s more of an identity conflict that you have to resolve — which is why I loved this post so much.

    • That’s the thing for me. People see me in a certain way–middle-aged, happily married for more than 25 years, well known in community; as I said, “the good girl.” And perhaps my unabashed adoration of this particular actor would raise a lot of eyebrows because–is it acceptable for”someone like me” to feel this way, to express these feelings, these emotions?
      But what I’ve come to realize is there is a lot more to me than just the surface most people see. That I shouldn’t confine myself to fitting into one little box. I guess I am still learning, even at this advanced age, who I am.

    • The hypocrisy I’m referring to is “I wouldn’t do that, so you shouldn’t either.” I support free speech right up to the point that it impinges on mine.

      • Ok, but saying, “I wouldn’t do that, so don’t you, either,” is not hypocritical unless the speaker is lying about whether s/he is or would do it. I admit that I’m tense about this in the current atmosphere, but even the fact that a statement may be hypocritical doesn’t automatically make it false.

  11. Brava, Jas!

    Here’s your confirmation … you are certainly NOT alone. We, at least those of us who post and respond out here, are the audible echo of your reactions. I know there are silent echoes out there, too. I used to be one.

    His eyes pulled me in, had me clicking on that vid link. I had no idea who he was, or about his acting ability. The only talent I knew about by the end of that vid … the capability to elicit pure lust. That, and an undeniable curiosity, is what had me going in search of more. His acting, when I finally got to see and experience it, just sealed the deal.

    I have a lot else to say … but let me boil it down to this. Some chains are meant to be broken, especially those that prevent us from finding ourselves. If this wonderful specimen of a man is the catalyst that helps you do that … go for it!

    I like you, respect you, enjoy spending e-time with you. All the parts of you. Including, maybe especially, the part that wants to lick his sweaty abs. 😉

    *hug*

    • Thanks, Zan! You know how much I appreciate your cheer-leading here and behind the scenes.

      Can I express how very grateful I am that those eyes pulled you in and even more so that the acting sealed the deal for you. You have been such a wonderful addition to our community and I’m glad you chose to delurk. I lurked for a couple of years before finally commenting and starting the blog. In hindsight I wish I hadn’t waited so long. This past almost 11 months have been enriching.

      As far as the chains go. If I can integrate the person I am here and the person I am in real life, I think I’ll come out a better person. So let the links fall.

  12. Teuchter

    You talk about your “advanced age” Angie! Try to imagine someone of MY age realizing and admitting – if I am being honest – to the effect he has on me. I don’t think I will ever overcome the guilt I feel.

    • Well, I do have another birthday rapidly approaching, my dear. 😉 I guess when I was younger I had a notion of what I’d be like at my current age and it’s not how I envisioned myself.

      I find that in many ways I am not so unchanged from the girl I once was, somewhat wiser, yes, a little sadder and jaded in certain ways, but I am still curious, still mischievous, a dreamer, still sensitive to things that move me.

      Still capable of passionate thoughts and feelings.

      And now I realize that is who I am for better or worse, and will continue to be. And that’s OK. 😀

      • Lynneloubielat

        Women of whatever age have no reason to be guilty about feeling sexually attracted to an attractive man. Men certainly don’t feel reticent about admiring younger women. It’s in our biology. The sexes were designed by Mother Nature (or evolution) to attract each other.

        Cultures and religions have long worked to suppress or even eliminate female sexual desire, ie., genital mutilatiion, and we women are only beginning to be able to openly acknowledge and become comfortable with our sexual desires. All this is complicated by and entertwined with the enduring sexism of our patriarchal society, which works to control women, to put us in a box, in many ways.

        Older, powerful men can and do marry much younger, sexually attractive women, even if a few eyebrows are raised. Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas twice married very young women who could have been his grand-daughters, if I am not mistaken. He must have fantasized about them first. So I guess that gives us gals of a certain age leave to indulge in a few fantasies of our own about our favorite actor. Personally, I confess to a little jealousy toward that Michigan fan who got a nice hug for her efforts. Her hand on his shoulder is quite evocative.

  13. You wrote that down so beautifully; … endearing desire. I remember a time when I couldn’t relate to people being affected by an actor or actress to such an extend that it gets beyond the performance beyond the role, seeking out other roles. We are being moved by him and personally I’ve gone through various stages of how exactly it makes me feel, there is no denying he has gotten under our skin. I for one only see that as a beautiful thing 🙂

    • Thanks Fanny! 🙂

      Yes, he most certainly gets under our skin. For me, it moved passed the role to the actor so quickly because my first encounter with RA’s work was North & South. I immediately watched the extra features and was absolutely astounded by the difference between Mr. Thornton and Richard Armitage in the interview. I had to see what he was like in other roles and interviews. One role led to another, which led to blogs, which led to fanfic and on and on.

      I’m along for the ride where ever it takes me. So far, its been a spectacular but unexpected journey. 😉

  14. Northern gal

    I admire anyone who has the ability to express in words visceral reactions which, at least in my case, don’t lend themselves to words, let alone ones I’d be brave enough to share. I’m rarely at a loss for words when analyzing facts or dissecting theories but when it comes to things which touch one’s core, I’ve never been able to articulate positive raw emotions. I feel them strongly, but can’t rationalize them and don’t seem to care to. (Negative reactions I have little problem with, at least according to my husband!)
    I often can’t explain why I find certain music, art, literature or people beautiful or evocative–sure, I can give you a checklist of reasons, but none of them are the REAL reason. For me, the explanation is that it “just is”. I’m always happy to hear another person’s take on something that I either can’t or won’t articulate. It gives me “facts” to process which lead me to a deeper understanding of my own feelings and I sincerely appreciate that.
    And yes, this post reveals either that I need extensive therapy or spent too much time in Catholic school–probably both. (See, I’m okay with negativity!) Maybe what I really need is to read the original post a few more times, pull up some of Servetus’ fantasies or find some fanfic. Yep. That should do it. 😉

    • Thank you for the kind words, Northern Gal.

      This is a learning curve for me. Expressing such thoughts, feelings and gut reactions are completely unnatural for me. However, I’m finding that in learning to put words to them, I’m learning more about myself. Does that make sense? I don’t think everyone has the desire and need to put words to their visceral reactions. Sometimes the, it “just is” is all we need. That’s okay. I’m like that about a lot of things. If this post helps you to think deeper, that’s a huge compliment so thank you.

  15. Tamera

    When I read your blog today, September 11th, I realized how appropriate it was for today. On September 11th, I always strive to remember to affirm and appreciate the wonder of life. To me, that means appreciating all the parts of myself and others. There is no good or bad, just acceptance and appreciation of what makes us unique individuals. So your affirmation and admiration of the physical essence, which is Richard Armitage, is remembering that any spark of life is wonderful. Especially today.

  16. Mezz

    I struggle daily with the whole dignity thing, which is why reading this post and thinking to myself, that’s how I feel too, admitting to the desire I feel for him here amongst like-minded people, is so important to me.
    Having always leaned towards being on the conservative side, I have “loosened up” with maturity, but I am still very much bound by my generational upbringing and personality.

    • Those bonds are certainly hard to break, aren’t the Mezz? I think part of what finally allowed me to do a post like this was the thought that I’m not alone. Having like minded people around me, even in a cyber capacity has helped me immensely to grow and not feel so much like a misfit.

  17. Jas, you’ve obviously touched a nerve here. I’m always a bit bemused by this discussion because while *I* don’t feel desire for him I can totally appreciate why you and others do and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. I used to think differently about it but I realized that I was projecting my own issues onto other people, i.e. I don’t want people I respect in my real life to stumble on my fandom and think poorly of me so everybody just be cool and don’t do anything that might embarrass me to explain. But you know what? That’s crap. That’s my issue, not the fandom’s. You put it really well up there and I applaud you for it.

    • Also really well put, jazzbaby. Strongly agree.

    • Thanks for this, Jazzy. I appreciate what you say about your own hangups. We all have them in some shape or fashion. Having the hang ups of others foisted upon us can just make dealing with our own that much more difficult.

      On the embarrassment issue. I think that is a big factor for some. I don’t think any of us aim to embarrass others. Nor do we want to embarrass ourselves. We just want to figure things out, in the most honest way we can.

  18. Teuchter

    My upbringing and many years of living in a very strict religious environment (Presbyterian in my case) instilled into me how I should act and even how I thought. I was widowed over 10 years ago and it was a year or two after that when I first “met” Richard Armitage through North and South. Even now I still find it rather disconcerting, to say the least, that as the years have passed I find myself even more attracted, not only to someone who is an actor (something that had not happened to me since I was in my teens) but who is also so many years younger than I. This attraction has not waned but rather the opposite. So you see it’s not that I don’t experience these “visceral ReActions” but rather that I can’t – or find myself incapable of putting such feelings into words and I applaud those who can. I had no idea that at my age I would still find myself capable of such emotions and feelings of desire but “there you go”. I strive daily to accept my reactions to him as a part of who I have become and simply enjoy the company of others who undoubtedly feel the same – regardless of age and circumstances.

    • Teuchter, disconcerting is a excellent choice of word. I use it frequently when talking about Richard Armitage and the things I feel or write. I don’t have the age factor to consider, but as you read above, the religious morals and standards that were instilled in me play a huge roll in figuring all of this out. I’m not sure I’ll ever learn to be completely at ease with how I feel, but I think that is okay. Learning is a life long process.

      As I mentioned to someone above, writing about these visceral reactions doesn’t come naturally to me, but I think it is part of my journey of self discovery. You have to do what is best for you, but just let me encourage. Even typing this post up, before I pushed the publish button, was a freeing experience. Like somehow putting words to my thoughts and feelings made it more acceptable some how. It might be hard for you. But maybe it would be worth a try.

  19. lu

    I really admire people who are able of being so honest and straightforward.

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